October has always been one of my favorite months. A month so full of vibrant colors, cozy blankets, rich & gooey comfort foods, endless adventures- but it’s also a month that is tangled up with mixed emotions. While I love the many things about October that are easy to see, October also brings about a turbulent sea of emotions and pain that only some of us understand. Not only is October an awareness month for pregnancy and infancy loss, but it’s also the month that our sweet babe would turn eight this year.

Dear Baby,

We were so incredibly happy to be expecting you! We had already told your brother and had announced you to the family. From the very moment I saw a “+” on the test, I loved you fiercely like mommies do. At that moment you were my tiny baby and it was my job to take care of you and protect you, only I couldn’t. I’m so sorry. I’ve bottled my sadness and emotions up for so long, but it’s time to set them free… to set you free. I know you are in a much better place full of beauty and love, and that makes my heart happy, but oh how I wish I could hold you.

Each October, just as the leaves begin to fall like clockwork, tears of love and sadness sneak out of my eyes and slide down my cheeks. Then my mind grieves all over again. Do you have daddy’s curly hair? Do you have my eyes? Are you right or left handed? Before we lost you I had already bought you a few things- one of which was supposed to be your very first Christmas tree ornament. Even though you never saw it, it hangs on the front of our tree each year and it makes me smile. I know you would have loved Christmas. There’s so many things I don’t know about you, but one thing I know for certain is that you ARE loved. You are loved by your siblings. You are loved by daddy and you are loved by me.

There are so many more things I have to tell you, but I haven’t quite found the words yet. Maybe in another eight years for your sixteenth birthday I’ll have those words, but for now, my heart needs to heal a little more. Someday soon I’ll finally get to hold you in my arms and kiss your sweet cheek, but until then, my baby you’ll always be.

Happy eight birthday my sweet babe!

Love,

Mommy